Focused Purpose

The Ache of Being Known

Last week I wrote about my 30-year high school reunion. I left town buzzing with emotions I couldn’t quite sort out; joy, grief, gratitude, regret, all pulling in different directions at once. It felt like being hit by a wave I didn’t see coming.

For days afterward, I carried that weight around without knowing why. I’d be in the middle of a meeting and suddenly think of a face from the reunion. I’d find myself quieter at the dinner table with my kids, watching them laugh and wondering what they’ll remember about each other thirty years from now. I felt both full and strangely hollow. The swirl stayed with me like a low hum I couldn’t shut off.

But a week later, I think I’ve named it.

What I was feeling wasn’t just nostalgia. It wasn’t simply missing people I hadn’t seen in decades. It was the ache of being known.

What It Means to Be Known

At the reunion, I saw faces that instantly unlocked memories from every stage of my life; grade school playgrounds, middle school band concerts, high school heartbreaks. These people had witnessed chapters of my life no one else had. They knew versions of me I had long forgotten.

And that’s when it clicked: most of my life today is full of acknowledgment, sometimes even being seen, but rarely being truly known.

• Acknowledged → Someone notices you exist. Like the guy at the gym who nods each morning.

• Seen → Someone recognizes your mood. A coworker says, “You look wiped today.”

• Known → Someone understands the why. Like my classmates at the reunion, who didn’t just recognize me; they remembered the awkward kid who bombed a band solo, the teenager who tried too hard to be cool, the teammate who cried after losing in the state finals.

That difference matters. Being acknowledged makes you visible. Being seen makes you feel recognized. But being known makes you feel human.

A Glimpse in Adulthood

One of the few places I’ve felt that depth in my adult life was three summers ago, back in my hometown renovating a house. A high school friend and I started meeting in his driveway at 6 a.m. for workouts that bordered on punishment — sledgehammers, wall balls, intervals until we collapsed.

But the workouts weren’t what mattered.

Afterward, we’d sit in lawn chairs with coffee, still dripping sweat, and talk. Philosophy. Faith. Marriage. The mess of fatherhood. Real conversations, unguarded.

I remember telling him how worn out I felt from carrying the belief that I was responsible for my wife’s happiness; a weight she never asked me to carry, but one I had piled on myself.

He looked at me and said, “You’re responsible for safety, stability, love. But happiness? That’s theirs to choose. Not yours to carry.”

I sat there, sweat drying, coffee untouched, realizing how much of my exhaustion came from hauling a burden no one had asked me to shoulder. For the first time in a long while, I didn’t just feel lighter…I felt like I wasn’t carrying it alone.

That driveway moment was one of the rare times I felt truly known as an adult. And I’ve been chasing it ever since.

Why the Ache Lingers

Most of my life now runs on logistics: kids’ practices, work deadlines, household schedules. I have four kids; two boys, 6 and 8, two girls, 10 and 13. Between soccer, gymnastics, and hockey, I spend most evenings standing on sidelines. The conversations are always the same: “How’s work?” “How’s your season going?” “Can you believe this schedule?” Informative, but not connecting.

Even my hobbies skim the surface. I’ve mountain biked with the same group for three years. I know about their kids activities, their professions, but not if their marriages are struggling or if they’re worried about their kids.

Plenty of contact. Very little knowing.

And maybe that’s why the reunion hit me so hard. It wasn’t just about reconnecting with old classmates. It was a visceral reminder of how much I miss the kind of community where being known wasn’t rare…it was the default.

The Question I Can’t Shake

So here’s where I am:

• Last week, I was lost in the swirl of reunion emotions.

• This week, I can see it clearly: I’m aching to be known.

• The real question now is: how do I find it again?

The driveway mornings gave me a glimpse. The reunion gave me another. But both were fleeting moments I stumbled into.

Waiting for another reunion or another driveway summer isn’t enough. The question now is: how do we build communities where being known is the rhythm, not the exception?

And maybe I’m not the only one.

When was the last time you felt not just acknowledged, not just seen, but truly known?

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Focused Action

Every month, The Focused Fool brings you a series of Focused Actions—practical, bite-sized steps designed to help you grow as a father, husband, and man. Each theme is broken down into 12 structured actions that build on each other, helping you grow with clarity and purpose—one small win at a time.

These aren’t lofty goals or guilt trips. They’re simple, achievable habits designed to make you more consistent, more grounded, and more present.

This month’s theme: Building Fitness
This month, we’ll strip away the noise and focus on practical movement. No perfection, no all-or-nothing mentality—just a steady return to strength, energy, and longevity. You’ll create your personal “Minimum Effective Fitness Plan” and discover what consistency really looks like in real life.

✅ Week 1 – Movement Mindset: Start Where You Are

Reset Your Definition of Fitness
Action: Write down what “fitness” meant to you in your 20s—or what you think it should look like.
Prompt: Is that definition helping you or holding you back today?

Focused Wonder

Focused questions designed to spark meaningful dialogue—whether at the dinner table, during a car ride, or at bedtime. Use these questions to build trust, curiosity, and laughter in your relationships.

What’s something you think you’re really good at, but don’t get enough credit for?

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